Monday, February 1, 2016

A Very Special Gift

Have you been shopping around for the perfect for that special someone?  Have you been frustrated by the countless hours that you ve spent shopping and comparison shopping without any success?  Have you tried you hand at online shopping and still failed to come up with anything that your special someone is going to like.  Well, you don t have to worry about that anymore!  I m here, today, to tell you that I ve got the perfect gift for that special someone: Blue Tooth-Dye cereal!   hat s right, the cereal that dyes your teeth blue, PERMANENTLY!

As you ve been shopping around, you ve no doubt been struck by the lack of originality that most products have to offer.  I mean, let s take a look at a few of the presents that you might have bought before you heard about our amazing Blue Tooth-Dye cereal. A watch: Oh, great.  You bought me a watch.  Great.  You re so preoccupied with the amount of time that you ve spent shopping around for me that you had to buy an instrument to measure the time that you re wasting, and now you re re-gifting it.  Or maybe you re trying to tell me that I m always late to everything, and that you d really prefer that I become a bit more punctual.  Great, what a thoughtful gift.  I was only late to your wedding and your baby-shower, and your graduation, and my own wedding, and I guess I was pretty late that time you needed me to bail you out of jail, and there have been plenty of other times& But really?  You re going to get me a watch for my birthday?

Scratcher Tickets:  Oh, well isn t that just great: you bought me scratcher tickets for my frickin birthday.  You ve got such a bad gambling problem that you gambled away my frickin birthday present, and you re trying to pass it off as anactual present.  You know what?  You can keep away from me and my family.  My kids don t need to know you for what you ve become: a hollow, ruined husk of a human being, so addicted to gambling and  irresponsibility that you can t even bring yourself to buy a proper birthday present for one of your closest friends.  Keep the tickets, you addict.

tickets to a sports game!  I don t even like hockey, you jerk.  And besides, it d be worse if I did like hockey.  Imagine that: you take me to a sporting event for my birthday and my favorite team loses.  Wow,what a great day!  I got to see my favorite sports team lose, and I don t even have anything to show for it.  I mean, couldn t you have spent a few extra bucks and bought a jersey or something?  I mean, seriously.  At least I can use that for something!  Come on!

Socks:  Oh, oh my & I can t even find the words to adequately express how disappointed I am right now.  I mean, if you gave me a couple of hours a thesaurus, I might be able to put something together that would help you understand just how badly you done messed this gift up.
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